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Papa Hari News Service

In a revolutionary development that will change the face of the Internet forever, the newly appointed Papa Hari World Government has issued a complete and total ban on internet hyperlinks in their current form. Claiming that the move will result in better Internet browsing habits and help webmasters earn more money with the newly launched innovatively named Papa Hari Internet Advertising Service (PHIAS), a Papa Hari Government spokesman assured internet users that their online rights would not be taken away as a result of this move.

"At present, we noticed that the biggest impediment to poor webmasters making lots of money on the Internet is because of the huge number of non-advertising hyperlinks plastered all over the internet competing with the advertising links. In a sense, by banning hyperlinks in their current form, we're actually helping webmasters make money by ensuring a very high Click-Through Rate!" He continued, "So far online advertising, being optional, has suffered from many disadvantages. It is our innovative idea to make internet advertising compulsory for every single website and that's what we're doing right now."

When asked about how every any internet document will link to another in the future, the spokesman declared a new HTML "tag" that would automatically earn money for the webmaster through the Papa Hari Internet Advertising Service. This new tag, innovatively named <PAPAHARIINTERNETADVERTISINGLINK> will automatically redirect all hyperlinks to the Papa Hari Internet Advertising website and then on to the intended target URL.

"It's really simple to convert existing non-advertising hyperlinks to the Papa Hari advertising hyperlinks," the spokesman added, "Just wrap all your tags with the all new, shiny <PAPAHARIINTERNETADVERTISINGLINK> tag and you're set to go. As a result of this move, every link will earn money for the webmaster! And of course, the Papa Hari Internet Advertising Service will take a service commission on these links."

When asked how a particular popular search engine would react, the Papa Hari Spokesman said that even Search Engines might be banned under the new Papa Hari World Government so the question of competition would become moot.

"By banning search engines we shall leave users with no choice but to click on the high-quality Papa Hari Internet Advertising links to discover new websites. Better still, by launching the Papa Hari Internet Search Engine (PHISE) we will introduce the all new <PAPAHARIINTERNETADVERTISINGLINK> tag on every search result, so we will continue earning even more money that way without having to share our profits with independent webmasters. And if webmasters refuse to implement the new tag on their websites, we reserve our right to arrest and hold them in custody indefinitely. We're working on a new Law towards this end!"

Several internet experts feared that this move would result in a complete monopoly for the Papa Hari World Government on the internet. "We fear that such a move would be totally against human rights!"

Several internet users were shocked at this new edict by the Papa Hari World Government. A few web developers also claimed that the new tag <PAPAHARIINTERNETADVERTISINGLINK> would not be XHTML 1.0 compliant and would break compatibility with existing browsers. "But with the power at the command of the Papa Hari World Government, it would be a matter of days before it becomes an official W3C standard and adopted by all major web browsers," said a bitter blogger who wished to remain anonymous. "But even worse, just imagine how much more typing would be involved to have to wrap this tag around every single link! It's a horrible thought!"

The Papa Hari World Government has denied that it was trying to clamp down on internet users with such a move and said that it was meant to benefit all users. "The new tag has several advantages over the old <A HREF=...> tag," said the Papa Hari government spokesman, "The biggest advantage is that these tags are Papa Hari Government approved and certified." He also dismissed suggestions that the Papa Hari World Government was going to censor the Internet. "We believe in Freedom of Speech and Expression!" he added, "But we also believe in the right of every webmaster to earn a living through internet advertising and that's why we have introduced our revolutionary Papa Hari Internet Advertising Service as the new standard for internet linking!"

In the meantime several unconfirmed rumours were doing the rounds, the most interesting of them being that the next move of the Papa Hari World Government would be to ban Domain Names completely so that people would be forced to remember IP addresses. While the Papa Hari World Government has not responded to this rumour, it is believed that such a move has been contemplated by the higher officials in order to further increase the efficiency of the <PAPAHARIINTERNETADVERTISINGLINK> tag. An internet expert commented: "very soon, I expect web browsers to stop including a navigation bar and a bookmarking feature so that the only way to browse the web would be to click <PAPAHARIINTERNETADVERTISINGLINK>s."

This is a song sequence from a real movie, honest. Note that I am not responsible for any damage to your delicate eyes and ears.

I am now desperate to watch this movie and declare myself a Disciple of this Actor.

(Discovered through Lightning Strikes Everyday)

Papa Hari News Service

The Papa Hari Institute for Education of Overage, Unemployed, Useless Bums Wasting Time Doing Nothing (PHIEOUUBWTDN) has announced the creation of a new school of politics for young people over 60 years of age who wish to enter politics. In a press conference, the Dean of the Papa Hari School announced the syllabus for those who wish to evaluate the proposed course. The course has been split into 2 years with 4 semesters and 5 subjects in each semester.

Semester 1

1. Basic Hypocrisy for Beginners - 20 hours
2. Public Funds Mismanagement - 20 hours
3. The Gasbag Theory: Dynamics of Hot Air - 15 hours
4. Empty Promises Management - 10 hours
5. Vote Banking - 10 hours

Semester 2

1. Lying Cheating and Stealing - Part 1 - 20 hours
2. Bribery and Corruption - Tips and Tricks - 20 hours
3. Advanced Hypocrisy - 15 hours
4. Horse Trading - 10 hours
5. Disruption of Public Life - 10 hours

Semester 3

1. Advanced Course in Rhetoric and Histrionics - 20 hours
2. Lying Cheating and Stealing - Part 2 - 20 hours
3. Political Backstabbing - Theory and Practice - 15 hours
4. Foriegn Pleasure Holidays - Attending conferences - 10 hours
5. Systematic Booth Capturing and Poll Rigging - 10 hours

Semester 4

1. Dynasty Politics - Promoting your Lineage - 20 hours
2. Responsibility Avoidance - 20 hours
3. The Art of Doublespeak - 15 hours

Electives (4th semester - any 2):

1. Rowdyism and Goondaism - 10 hours
2. Tactical Intimidation Theory - 10 hours
3. Minority Appeasement - 10 hours
4. Family Improvement using Taxpayers' Wealth - 10 hours
5. The Disappearing Act for Desperate Situations - 10 hours

The Papa Hari School invites all suitable candidates for the posts of professor, assistant professor and lecturer for the above subjects. Education qualifications needed: none. School drop-outs preferred. Experience: at least 10 years in politics. Age: preferably 60 years or more. The older the better.

Expressing confidence that all posts would be filled up in double quick time, the Papa Hari Spokeperson stated that those wishing to join the course would have to pay the entire course fee in advance. When asked for the reason behind this condition, he replied cryptically that the Institute wished to avoid the 'risks' associated with teaching sensitive subjects of the nature described above to impressionable minds.

Speaking about the reason for creating such a school, Papa Hari said, "In today's world, we see a lot of promising politicians who are experts in some areas of specialization but sadly lacking in others needed for success at the top level. We intend to turn out complete products who will be well versed in politics and serve their nations even better. Right now the polish is lacking. This school will give our students the edge in a wild, wild world."

Papa Hari News Service

The Papa Hari Foundation Dedicated to Making Money Offline as Opposed to Online (PHFDMMOOO) held a seminar today on "Making Money Offline." Drawing a huge response from the young generation of internet-savvy kids, the seminar was a big success. Each of the different aspects and methods of making money offline were discussed by leading experts in the field.

"It was really cool, the way they taught us how to make money, like getting a job or starting a business," spoke a teenager wearing a T-Shirt with the words 'World of Warcraft Rocks!', "I never knew we could earn money in such ways, dude!" His friend agreed enthusiastically. "I always though most people made their money by selling advertising on websites or placing Google AdSense on their blogs, man! Wow... there's a real world out there. Thanks to this seminar I know that I can step out of my bedroom and still earn a lot."

Many experts who attended the seminar also agreed that one of the safest ways to make money offline was to get a regular, boring nine-to-five job. "Starting a business has its own risks, but staying in a job is the best way to make money regularly."

Outlining the steps needed to get a job, the Papa Hari Foundation Speaker said that you needed to have the right skills and qualifications and then send your credentials to different companies who will then interview and hire you if you are a suitable candidate. Otherwise, he said, you could take a loan and start a small business. An authoritative expert on making money offline said "If you really want to get rich quick, you need to resort to unethical means like stealing, counterfeiting, defrauding the public, evading tax, robbing a bank, kidnapping for ransom or becoming a celebrity. I'm not recommending those techniques, because they do carry the risk of attracting penalty from the law-enforcement agencies, but they do make you rich fairly quickly." Many youngsters in the audience were extremely interested in counterfeiting and forgery, since it was literally about 'making money' but were very disappointed when they learned that it was not legal.

"Who are the Government to tell us what is legal and what is illegal?!" fumed an angry young lady, "They're acting just like Google these days: interfering, always breathing down our necks and telling us how to live our lives... and what the hell is this thing about Income Tax? That's a ridiculous concept."

Other techniques of making money offline discussed during the seminar were dabbling in the stock market, road-side begging, gambling and betting. "Each of these methods have their own advantages and disadvantages, risks and opportunities. It is up to the individual to select the method and then implement it," said the Papa Hari Foundation Speaker later at the press conference, "We certainly do not recommend resorting to illegal methods of making money, though, since those would attract severe punishment from the Law. But within the acceptable methods of making money offline, there are infinite possibilities." But what would the experts ultimately recommend to most people looking for a safe way to make money? "Get a job."

Most of the young people who attended the seminar seemed to be dissatisfied. Quipped one, while leaving, "It seems that hard work, intelligence, luck, determination and dedication are essential aspects of making money without too much risk. It's highly disappointing." Before a reporter could ask him another question, he quickly excused himself by saying that he had to get back home to his website editing as soon as possible in order to optimize his AdSense placement and keywords.