Papa Hari News Service

A prominent Professional Wrestling organization recently trademarked the word Terrorist™ and sought a patent for all clothing and accessories associated with such individuals and groups across the world. This has caused widespread dismay and consternation in the media as to how to label people and groups who indulge in spreading terror in future.

Speaking at a news conference, the owner of the federation mentioned that since the word was now officially part of their franchise, they would disallow its usage in common parlance, especially in the media. When asked how politicians, the media and citizens across the world would refer to such groups, he suggested several alternatives like "Terror Makers", "Terror Persons", "Terror Warriors", "Horrorists" and "Bad and Evil Persons".

"There are plenty of alternatives to label such people outside of pro-wrestling. We seek to restrict the usage of the word Terrorist to our industry," he explained. Explaining that a new wrestler named The Terrorist would be making his debut in the arena in the coming weeks, he said that they were already running back-stage promotions with a mysterious masked Asian fighter carrying a machine-pistol in his hand, scaring other wrestlers and divas in the locker rooms. In the time-honoured tradition of the Professional Wrestling industry, The Terrorist would be a bad guy with an attitude, mouthing off anti-American slogans to get a rise out of the crowds and generally indulging in foul play tactics like bashing his opponent's head with a steel chair and other assorted objects when the referee was looking the other way, to win a match. The Terrorist would also randomly bash up referees and officials who decide against him or discover his cheating. The crowds would naturally be expected to boo such an undesirable character. His finishing move would be called "The Suicide Bomb", a modified version of a power-bomb (a commonly-used move which only leads to a 3-count pin victory when used as a finishing move by the wrestler in question.)

The owner also mentioned that they had sought a trademark for the term Axis Of Evil for the name of a tag team which would consist of The Terrorist and another bad guy as a partner. "The concept Axis of Evil really suits the wrestling industry. It has a sinister ring to it," said the owner. Explaining the idea, he continued, "This stable will be the most evil and terrible force in the whole of our promotion, striking fear and terror into the hearts of opponents and using dirty tricks to win matches." When asked how the United States government would now label the unholy alliance of terror-making nations that threatened democracy and justice, he suggested alternatives like "Axis of Bad", "Axis of Wicked" and "Axis of Not-Nice" countries.

Many critics of the pro-wrestling industry claim that the whole thing is a fraud perpetrated on the public. American President George W. Bush, when asked for his opinion on the trademarked names said "We will bring all Terrorists to justice!" When asked to clarify whether he was referring to terror makers or to the pro-wrestler, he responded with confusion.

In other news, a prominent terror-making group has sought a trademark on the word Freedom Fighters to prevent its misuse for propaganda purposes. Many media giants like BBC, CNN and Fox have expressed disappointment at these developments.

Papa Hari News Service

Sending out a strong message in the face of high rates of inflation triggered by rising oil and food prices across the world, the Papa Hari World Government announced that a committee of eminent mathematicians has been created in order to study and discuss the issue in a more scientific and practical way. Announcing the innovatively titled "New Plan To Combat Inflation" project, the spokesperson of the Papa Hari World Government hinted that the best method to prevent inflation would be to resort to simple mathematical formulae rather than depend on wannabe Nobel-prize winning economists who spin fuzzy, impractical theories to support their dubious doctorate theses.

"The best way to contain inflation is by tackling it head on... not by resorting to confusing jargon like National Income, GDP, GNP, fiscal deficit, budget, trade deficit, foreign exchange, foreign reserve or interest rates. The man on the street just doesn't care for such terms," said the spokesperson, "Therefore, the Papa Hari World Government has decided to hand over the problem to mathematicians who are known to be much more practical and down-to-earth than economists."

Stating that the committee has already started doing good work, the spokesman added that a few excellent ideas have been floated by the committee and the Papa Hari World Government would be seriously looking at these concepts. "One of the best ideas that has been proposed by the committee is to use the formula Inflation/Inflation = 1 (which means inflation divided by itself). This would instantly lead to a steady but low rate of inflation which is excellent for the economy."

Among other formulae suggested by the mathematical committee, one of them is to use the sine or cosine of the value of inflation as the actual inflation rate. Eminent Indian mathematician, Alangaputhur Raghavachari said, "If we used the formula cos (inflation), we will always get a value of between -1 and 1. This is an excellent way to ensure that inflation and deflation values never go beyond 1% overall. And just think of the additional benefits: "Cos" sounds very much like "cause." By finding out the cos (inflation), most lay people would believe that we've found the cause of inflation. sin (inflation) was also considered as an alternative formula, but it doesn't make much sense to say "sign of inflation" when we can use cos instead." Yet another formula proposed was the square root of inflation, but it was dismissed as being ineffective with larger numbers. "What if inflation reaches 10000? The square root of 10,000 is 100. It's still a very high figure and would be unsustainable, right?" argued Raghavachari very reasonably. Mathematicians also dismissed Inflation - Inflation = 0 as being too simplistic and unrealistic.

In spite of the optimism expressed by the World Government, many remain sceptical of these ideas. "This kind of number jugglery seems to be just the kind of gimmicks that discount stores offering up to 50% off resort to," said a housewife when asked for her reaction to the measures of the government. "Everything will remain on paper... it's all an eyewash!" said a journalist while washing his blackened eye after getting into an argument with a wrestler over the issue.

Most people across the world continue crying over rising prices of food and fuel while the mathematicians work furiously towards a solution destined to change the course of the global economy forever. A prominent statistician who wished to remain anonymous, smugly assured this publication that the efforts of the committee would prove futile. "What can these mathematical geniuses do which we cannot? We've been doing the same kind of number jugglery for hundreds of years now, albeit with statistics instead of trignometry. And now, these new kids on the block think that they have the solution! How foolish!" he said with a pitying smile. Rather irrelevantly, George W. Bush assured every American that the future generation of kids would get free education and plenty of credit cards.

Papa Hari News Service

Several months after the launch of the highly successful Papa Hari School of Politics, the Papa Hari Foundation has announced a new School of the Obvious for teaching students about how to communicate the obvious. A spokesman of the Papa Hari Foundation announced that the school would teach students who join the course after paying the admission fees.

"The school of the obvious is a unique concept and will prepare the next generation of jaded television anchors, professional politicians, second-rate celebrities in morning breakfast shows, boring sports commentators and team coaches, obscure government spokespersons, reality television show judges, BBC and CNN Iraq war reporters, PR managers, overpaid newspaper editorial writers and brand managers in low-budget advertising agencies... among others," said the spokesman reading out from the press release.

"It's obvious that such a school would be unique in the annals of history," he continued and mentioned that the Papa Hari Foundation hoped that such a concept would be successful. "We have started this school in the hope that the concept will be a huge success. Students who study at the Papa Hari School of the Obvious will be more prepared in communicating the obvious. We will hire the best teachers and try to provide the best possible education to those who study here."

Stating that the school would charge admission fees from its students, the Papa Hari spokesman claimed that the funds would go towards improving the school and paying the costs of running it. "Students who graduate from the Papa Hari School of the Obvious would get a degree - the Master of the Obvious. Isn't that obvious?" continued the spokesman chuckling at his own insipid humour.

Several press reporters were curious about the nature of the school. "The school will consist of teachers who teach and students who learn. Obviously we will provide the buildings and the infrastructure necessary for the purposes of conducting an educational course," said the spokesman by way of explanation, "The classes will be interactive and dynamic and hopefully everybody comes away enriched by the experience. We guarantee placement for each and every student who passes out of this institute with flying colours. On the other hand, we cannot make any guarantees for students who don't pass out of this institute or who just manage to scrape through the course. Everything depends on the individual's aptitude for learning. Each individual's learning capacity is different."

When approached, several critics were ruthless in criticizing the concept as useless.

"We already have enough people in the world who state the obvious. Why do we need more?" asked a retired socialite (not to be confused with socialist), "It gets boring when people keep stating the obvious. There's nothing more boring that stating something that's boring several times, isn't it? After all, life is a lot more than what is obvious, but most people are so caught up in the obvious that it becomes obvious that they have no vision or imagination. If people had a bit more imagination, they wouldn't state the obvious so many times, would they? On the other hand, I should think that they would actually try and think of something that's not so obvious. But they cannot."

Other critics dismissed the concept as an obvious attempt at pathetic humour. But a few were rather more cautious. "It's either an attempt at humour and sarcasm or it's a genuine concept, but I'm not sure whether it's successful or not either way. It depends entirely on your point of view," said a popular news show host who always refuses to commit himself to any point of view as can be seen from his statement.

When the Papa Hari Foundation was confronted with the criticism, the spokesman brushed it aside. "We know what we're about and we don't need any critics to tell us what we're about." When asked whether he accepted that this was an obvious attempt at humour and sarcasm, he replied that he didn't have any comments on the issue as it was a matter for the public to judge. "We're very clear in our goals and vision," he added. As an afterthought, he mentioned, "It's obvious that the word 'obvious' has been overused by many people. I promise you that students who pass out of this course will be so obvious about being obvious that it would no longer be necessary to use the word 'obvious' while stating the obvious."

The Papa Hari School of the Obvious will be a school which will be funded by the Papa Hari Foundation.

Papa Hari News Service

Taking a strong stance against increasing noise pollution caused by human activity, the Papa Hari World Government today issued an ordinance banning babies from howling in public. A Papa Hari Government spokesman told press reporters that the ban would criminalize the offence of howling.

"Babies aren't adults and must take responsibility for their own behaviour. Howling simply isn't acceptable behaviour and constitutes a public nuisance," said the spokesman, and added that the ordinance would make babies howling in public a criminal offence punishable up to 3 years in prison. Asked whether parents would serve the sentence, the Papa Hari spokesman said, "Of course not. The babies are responsible for the howling and so these irresponsible babies would serve the sentence in a specially constructed prison."

While many neighbours of newly weds and expecting parents welcomed the ban, most young parents expressed shock and outrage at the new ordinance. "This simply shows how little the government knows about babies." When an anonymous baby was asked for his opinion on the ordinance, he screamed, "WAAAAAAAAH... WAAAAAAH... WAAAAAAAAHHHH..." in an increasing pitch of voice which was rightly interpreted as "howling is my birthright and I shall have it."

Many parents organized protest meets all over the world where their babies indulged in howling sessions as a mark of protest against the ordinance. "If an adult can howl and get away with it, why cannot a baby?" asked a senior lawyer who wished to remain anonymous, "There's simply no provision in Law which bans howling by adults. Does this mean that it's all right for adults to howl and not all right for babies to?"

When the Papa Hari Government spokesman was asked about the anomaly in Law which allows adults to howl as much as they wished, he said that a special committee had been appointed to look into the matter and submit a report in six months. "The committee will take every aspect of the Law into consideration and will study the impact of howling adults in the public domain. The reason is that there might be a reason for an adult to howl in a given circumstance or situation, but there can be absolutely no reason for a baby to do so. Hence there is no conflict with relation to babies howling. That is why it's now a criminal offence."

Many medical professionals including paediatricians said that howling helped babies to develop their lungs and throat and that if prevented from doing so would impair their overall development. "Will the Papa Hari World Government take the responsibility for a new generation of adults with weakened lungs and immune systems as a result of this ban?"

Babies rights activists all over the world dressed up in baby suits and held protest marches, howling and screaming like babies. "The reason why babies are discriminated against is their gross under-representation in the World Parliament. We seek a reservation quota of 79.99% for babies in the House of Representatives to correct this gross injustice. Babies rule the world and babies are the future! We want to bust the Baby Care Products mafia which is behind this move!" screamed a protester. When asked to explain the percentage of quota demanded he said that the figure of 80% would sound a very high proportion and that 79.99% was probably enough to satisfy the needs of social justice. "WAAAAAAAAAAHH... YOOOOOOOUUUUUUWWWWWW...." he added.

In other news, the Papa Hari Baby Care Products, Inc. was doing roaring business with its newly launched PacifierPro™ product as desperate parents picked them up from stores to prevent their babies howling. When the Papa Hari government spokesman was asked whether the ban had something to do with the product launch, he categorically denied it saying that the Papa Hari World Government was in no way associated with the Papa Hari Baby Care Products, Inc.

"This move is purely out of concern for the environment and the increasing levels of noise pollution," said the spokesman. "If any business profits due to this legislation, that is purely incidental." In the meantime the stock of several Baby Care Product companies soared sky high.

Picture taken and adapted from: bbc.co.uk

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