Papa Hari has read your innermost thoughts and will grant you the knowledge you require in order to be a tough guy online. Most geeks/nerds want to promote a "tough guy" image on the internet, but the majority don't have a clue as to how to do it. Here Papa Hari will share his innermost secrets to help you attain that which you seek!

Get rid of that blog

Yes, you got that right first time. Internet tough guys don't "blog" or embrace any "social" technology. You need to remember that to be a really effective tough guy online, you need to project that 80s era look and feel. Blogs don't fit it in with that image. If you must "blog" then call it an electronic diary (and don't forget to turn off commenting), which brings me to my second point...

Chuck out your buzzword vocabulary

Internet tough guys don't use jargon and buzzwords like blog, social networking, online community or anything remotely connected with the 21st century. The only context in which you should use these words are when you want to pour your scorn on the new generation of internet users (you know, the kind who create Orkut/MySpace/Facebook profiles, who put their cute little holiday photos on Flickr or Picasa and embrace YouTube and other assorted Web 2.0 nonsense).

Disdain technology (especially Web 2.0)

Your website should be absolutely primitive and use plain, simple HTML coding. Don't use any fancy graphics or colours. They're not in keeping with your image. Just use plain, bare HTML with no colourful graphics or design elements. If you must use graphics, then just put up an old, blurred black-and-white mugshot in your "About Me" page. Do anything to avoid Microsoft technology or if you are forced to, just avoid mentioning it in any of your writings.

If you don't know what vi is (and no, that's not vim), you don't qualify to be an internet tough guy. Disdain every technology except the omnipresent, macho text mode editor. It's not enough if you just use this editor, you also need to proclaim this fact on your website so that all your readers know the stuff you're made of.

Use plenty of expletives

Using a choice range of expletives gives the impression that you're a serious badass. Use derogatory and politically incorrect terminology as well. Also don't forget to abuse everybody and everything in the universe: there are just no sacred cows! Just don't overdo it and spoil the whole effect. Be grammatical and spell right. Tough guys don't use slang either. Call your readers "losers" and "idiots" at least twice in every article you write (update: suggested alternatives: dumbass, moron, retard). Assume that most people have an IQ of -50. In your front page, remember to warn all readers that they enter your website at their own risk.

Be cynical, arrogant and anti-social

Cynicism fits in well with your tough-guy image. Being cheerful or optimistic about anything is a no-no. If you have to be humourous, be sardonic as well. Adopt an omniscient attitude and remember: what you write is just not your opinion - it's fact. Anybody who doesn't get it is a loser.

Arrogance is another quality of the internet tough guy. Humility or modesty are qualities to be avoided at all costs. After all, geniuses don't need to be humble. Being anti-social is an additional advantage.

Write at least one "famous" article

Become famous (or notorious) and write at least one article which propels you to Internet celebrity status. This particular article should be a little milder and slightly less obnoxious, but more controversial than your other writings. Don't forget: this article is just the taste of things to come for the curious idiots who start exploring other sections of your website.

You're a hacker - not a geek

Publishing semi-useless and obscure Perl or Python scripts will fit well into the scheme of things. Even if you cannot go beyond a simple "Hello World" make it look pretty sophisticated and exotic. Writing unusual scripts will show them that you're not one to be messed around with. In general, you are a computer expert (subject to the condition that all technology invented after 1990 is taboo). Publish your GPG public key as well just to let people know how much of a geek you are (if you don't know what GPG is, you don't qualify, sorry!)

In general, try to show the world how useful you are to the cause of Computer Science and hackerdom.

List of things you should hate

Here's a list of things you must compulsorily hate (and express that hate in a suitably contemptuous manner) in order to be an Internet tough guy.

• Anything new and trendy - especially in technology
• Colourful and graphically intense web design
• Buzzwords, especially new ones
• Mobile phones which allow anything more than dialling numbers and receiving calls
• Harry Potter
• Any popular literature
• Microsoft, Sun, Apple, Intel and Sony
• Religion and religious leaders
• Political correctness
• Politics and politicians
• Leftists/communists
• Java (the programming language) and Visual Basic and anything .NET
• Instant messaging and chat
• MSN, Yahoo, AOL, Google and other popular web services
• IM Speak/AOLSpeak/Text Message Speak
• Online communities (except good old mailing lists)
• Walmart (or any other popular retailing giant)
• Popular news media like BBC, CNN, Fox News, Sky News and so on
• Sitcoms and popular television series
• Anything remotely perceived as "girlish" or "soft"
• Children
• Old people
• Fanboys
• All celebrities (except yourself) and celebrity culture
• People (in general)
• All emotions (except cynicism)
• iPods, iPhones and anything else starting with i or e
• Anything else that you can think of...

Publish your hate mail

And comment on them rudely and sarcastically. Don't forget, if you don't get hate-mail, you're a nobody in this business. So just invent some if you have to. Tip: Be inconsistent with your responses, otherwise people will get suspicious. Don't forget to remind readers from time to time that you derive a lot of wicked pleasure in revealing the stupidity of people who mail you.

That's all for now, folks. Now go be that tough guy you always wanted to become, but were afraid to ask. We'll hand out the diplomas once we start seeing results!